Monday Night Football for Girls

ImageI was suddenly inspired by tonight’s uber fascinating Bears vs. Cowboys game when some brilliant stats person put up some quarterback info that I was paying a whole lot of attention to. Or maybe I only looked at the TV to confirm that all the guys were wearing bright pink in support of boobs, and was struck by the love rhombus going on, that I’m pretty sure not enough people know about.  

Some of you might be wondering what a “love rhombus” is, but it’s really not that complicated. You all know what love triangles are. Use your imagination. 

Now, we have Tony Romo who used to date Jessica Simpson until all of Dallas thought she was a football curse and he broke up with her on her birthday. Then he met Chace Crawford (from Gossip Girl) ‘s sister Candace and they fell in love and had a baby named Hawkins.

Jessica Simpson went on to get knocked up by her surprisingly smart boyfriend Eric Johnson, who also played football on TV, while they were waiting for his divorce to finalize. They named their baby girl Maxwell Drew. If you’re lost, don’t worry, this comes full circle.

Jessica Simpson used to be married to Nick Lachey, but now they’re not after they had an MTV reality show, which is ironically the same company that used to employ Vanessa Minnillo, who Nick is married to now. They also just had a baby together, named Camden John. 

And even though that is kind of a stupid name, Jay Cutler, our other quarterback man, and his wife Kristen Cavallari (from Laguna Beach and The Hills) just named their newborn son Camden Jack. There’s some discussion of whether she got pregnant on purpose so that he would stop leaving her, but this rhombus has enough issues. As do all of these children. Could make for a really interesting play date though.

I may have just succeeded in making football interesting for girls. There’s even a chance I would accidentally glance at another game. Next issue will be an in depth discussion of the best biceps on the field.


Boobs Are Never Lonely

I think it’s high time I talk about breasts in a public forum – it was only a matter of time really. It’s one of those topics of conversation that always comes up and kind of gets old, but before you know it boobs are new and exciting again. And that is because they are awesome. It’s pretty general knowledge that guys think so but I’m fairly certain that an honest survey of women would elicit the same answer. Personally, I LOVE my boobs. They’re perky and squishy and all around lovely. And there is something special about knowing that one is very slightly bigger than the other (I’m not telling you which).

Once, in middle school, all the guys in class were crowded around a picture of some model in a bikini and they wouldn’t let any of the girls in class see. So I promptly looked down my own top and told all the boys that I could look at boobs anytime I wanted to. So there. I was responsible for a lot of shocked stares that day, but what those guys, and more importantly all of the girls, learned was that they possessed orbs of power. Some more than others of course, we were like twelve.  By the simple expedient of having boobs girls find out they can command attention, influence thought,and inspire action. The “Why” of it isn’t so important. It could be because they are so protected and forbidden in Western cultures. Or some Freudian maternal complex. Or just because they’re fun, which they totally are. What I find more fascinating is the unimaginable usefulness of symmetrical fat receptacles conveniently available on one’s chest. I would like this bartender to make my drink first, I think I shall lean over. For whatever reason I’m always a little pleasantly amazed when these transparent sorts of tactics work, but I can’t argue with the outcome. I have never in my life paid for a flat tire repair, and I don’t intend to for as long as I can manage it.

It would be a lie to say that boobs are under appreciated because fashion and pop culture have ensured that they are not, but on a more individual basis I’m not sure the same is true. 355,671 breast augmentations were performed in the U.S. in 2008. That is a lot of unhappy boobs. I think a little objectification, under the right circumstances, would have gone a long way. Women should love their boobs as much as all the guys around them.

Please feel free to disagree with me. Or challenge me. I’m going to put my frilly bra back on.